You hear a lot about the relationship between a woman and her hairdresser. Besides being the kind of womens-mag tripe that I hate - in which grooming habits equal womanhood, and where there's nothing a woman loves more than delving into her deepest secrets and debating the latest trends in shellac nailcare while her hairstylist works on her highlights - it's just not true for me. I hate going to the hairdresser. It's up there with the dentist and nuclear armageddon. Torture from the moment the black plastic sheet is draped around my neck to the moment I hand over my credit card for its ritual assault.
I've had a hair disaster, you see. What was meant to be "balayage" ended up looking like I'd been tipped over and half my head dunked in a vat of banana yellow paint. "Go back and demand they fix it up," my sister told me. Yeah right. Return to the scene of the crime? "Why hello there, thanks ever so much for that good beating you gave me, care to break my legs while you're at it?" Nope. So I found a new salon, beared the indignity of four hipsters gathering round to inspect in half-disgust, half-delight, got the whole thing fixed and handed over my credit card again because hey, why not live on lentils for the rest of the month?
Look. Most hairdressers are lovely people and very competent at their job. But I'm no good at the small talk and I don't want to about my relationship/renovations/My Kitchen Rules. I don't want to be tut-tutted for my regrowth/dry hair/frizzbomb and I don't want to be left for two hours with thirty foils in my hair and only two copies of some ridiculous art magazine for reading material. I don't want to lie with my head in the sink and develop the mother of all neckaches as you chat to your colleagues about last night's date. I don't want to have to thank you profusely and rave about how much I love it when you hold up a mirror to the back of my head for the "big reveal" (my praise usually in inverse proportion to my disappointment). And I definitely don't want to be talked into buying a 100ml bottle of hair serum infused with white truffle oil for $59.99.